Children are not adults


Adults to some extent have learned to control their emotions – hopefully, but children may not have. They may display their anger and frustration quite openly and inappropriately.  It is perfectly normal for children to go through phases of bad temper. Even children can cry and make a fuss and get angry when their desires are not met. Most children grow out of it by the time they are five, but some will continue to have angry outbursts throughout childhood and even into adulthood.  You are unlikely to support children who are angry, but you may have clients come to you for advice on how to help their children and their anger – particularly in later stages of childhood. You may also find that some parents display anger to their children and the child responds in kind. So, it is important as an anger management consultant to understand: 
  • How a child displays anger
  • How the adult can affect a child’s anger
  • AND how the adult can actually encourage a child’s anger.

It can become a vicious circle. The child is naughty, the adult gets angry, this makes the child angry and on and on it goes. The family may need to learn new ways of responding to a naughty child. So, now we will consider some of the ways that children may display their anger and how to deal with this. These are just suggestions that you can make to the client, but you will obviously need to go through things with each client individually and in more detail to find out how the anger happens. We will discuss assessments in a later lesson.

Toddlers
Anger can increase in the second year, as toddlers have no concept of patient and will want everything immediately.  At the same time, they become aware that –

  • They can say no
  • They can control other people with their actions
  • They have their own wants and needs.

The Temper Tantrum is something that many of us will be familiar with. It includes:

  • Screaming
  • Head banging
  • Pounding fists
  • Biting
  • Hitting
  • Scratching
  • Breath holding
  • And so on....

It can be hard to understand what lies behind this behaviour. A large part of this can be due to the child’s underlying feelings, which may be:

  • Fear
  • Frustration
  • Insecurity
  • Confusion.
Parents may find it hard to deal with angry children at this stage.  So let us consider first some unhelpful ways of dealing with angry children:
  • Smacking or any form of physical punishment. Consider – what does this tell the child? If the child is smacking. The parent may smack the child for being naughty. So this tells the child – it is alright to smack sometimes! So this can cause the child confusion. Their parents smack them, but they are not allowed to smack. So it is best to avoid all forms of physical punishment for obvious reasons.  Studies have also shown that smacking does not work. It may stop the behaviour at that time, but the behaviour will still return.
  • Rewarding the anger – a child screams and has a temper tantrum, so the parent gives the child sweets to keep them quiet. This rewards the bad behaviour. 
  • Parents or adults who show a lot of anger to children through shouting and swearing are showing their children that this form of behaviour is acceptable.
  • Showing anger to a child who is showing anger may teach him/her to be frightened of their anger. They may therefore learn to bottle it up and not express it properly, which can cause emotional difficulties for the child.

So what are the effective ways of dealing with an angry child?

One easy step is to try to avoid situations that lead to anger. This is obviously not always easy. Common situations that could lead to anger may include –

  • When the child comes out of school or preschool or nursery, they may be tired, angry or annoyed at having to leave their friends, so tempers may fray. A good way to stop this is to offer them a healthy snack to give them a boost of energy until home, perhaps plan an activity, have a friend round and so on.
  • When a parent returns after time away. The child may feel abandoned or upset, so it is important to give them full attention when first home. 
  • Having guests can cause a child to feel ignored. If they do, organise things for the child to do while the adults are talking, make sure they are noticed, praise them quietly for playing nicely.
  • As above, a child may sometimes display temper tantrums and anger when they are hungry. So bring meal times forward if this is happening.
    If a child is tired, make sure they get enough sleep or have a nap if it’s going to be a later night for some reason. If the child won’t sleep, then perhaps lying down reading books or watching TV can also be relaxing for them.
  • Allow plenty of time in the morning for the child to get up in a relaxed and calm way.
  • Try to distract children if they are angry – this works better for younger children – “Look at that bird – it’s a beautiful colour.”  “Did you play with Teigan today?” “What did your teacher say about your reading today?” etc.
  • Ignore the anger and stop paying attention to it until it stops. Initially the child may get even more angry if you do that, but will eventually calm down if they see no react.
  • Hug the child until they calm down.
  • Look at how the parents deal with anger. Encourage them to try not to lose control. Tell the child calming why you are getting annoyed and try to get them and you to calm down.
  • Get down to eye level when talking to a child, because
     
    “the eyes are more important than ears for listening.”
    Michael Quinn
    Director
    Family Caring Trust (2003)

When children get upset, they may not be able to explain WHY they are angry and upset. It could be something simple – they are hungry and tired, making them irritable.  It could be that something has happened at nursery or preschool that has upset them, but they are unable to explain this

Older Children and Anger
Anger is normal. It is also a useful emotion. Anger can tell us, and children, what is fair and what is not.  But it is when children’s behaviour becomes aggressive or out of control due to their anger that we have to offer some support in how they deal with that anger.

Older children may be able to express why they are angry – sometimes – but there will be times when they cannot. For example, a parent may ask a child to do their homework and the child goes mad, shouting at the parent. It could be that they are upset about something else that has happened with a friend or at school etc, but the parent asking about homework has been the final straw. Also, the child may feel more comfortable expressing their anger to someone they love in their own home, rather than to the friend or a teacher.  You know the saying – 'you always hurt the one you love'. 

So it important to help children to learn how to deal with their anger in a healthy way.  In the short term, it can help the child to feel less distress and this can impact the family in a positive way. In the long term, it can help them to cope with their anger into their adulthood.

So to help older children deal with their anger:

Do not judge them for their anger.  Everyone feels anger. As we said above, it is a normal emotion. So it is important for the child to see that their anger is the problem, not them. With younger children, you can use techniques such as:

  • Encourage the child to give the anger a name – “Oh oh, here comes Angry Albert”. – Although this should be used carefully and sensitively, as it could annoy the child more.
  • Encourage the child to draw their anger – for example, as a volcano ready to pop.
  • Encourage the child to see the early warning signs to anger. If they can recognise the signs, they can know that their anger is starting to grow.
  • As with an adult, encourage an older child to look at strategies for how to deal with their anger, such as counting to ten, walking away and so on.
  • Have a specific goal – some children will respond to star charts that reward their children. For example, if a child always gets angry after coming home – set things in place, like early meals, snacks and so on, then offer the child every time they get home without losing their temper.  At the end of the week, they could get a small gift. It doesn’t have to expensive or amazing, just a small reward to tell the child they are doing well in their behaviour.
  • Praise the child – praising children is important. If a child is praised for their efforts, it can build their confidence in how they respond to their anger.

Encourage parents to learn to recognise anger in their children. Parents should be encouraged to recognise the early warning signs in children as well, so they can prepare how to respond or try to distract the child. The warning signs are similar to adults, but may also include –

  • Clenched fists
  • Verbal outburst
  • Tense face
  • Tense body
  • A certain facial expression
  • Hitting out
In children, anger can take the verbal and physical forms, directed again others – siblings, parents, friends – or against things – their toys, furniture and so on. They may also harm themselves, thumping walls, hitting their own head and so on. Parents can try to encourage the child to empathise with others when they are calmer. For example – “you hit me when you were angry. How do you think that made me feel?”  Or for younger children – “You threw your doll when you are angry. Don’t you think she’s sad that you did that?”

If a parent is really concerned about a child’s anger, you should encourage them to see their doctor to discuss this.
when supporting older children, reaching adolescence, other factors may come into play, such as hormones, stress hormones – adrenaline and cortisol.  These can also affect how a child feels, as they are learning to deal with the difficult time of adolescence, where their body and minds change rapidly.

The hormone changes responsible for puberty tend to begin some years earlier than when puberty actually occurs.  They may produce moodiness and restlessness. Girls can start these changes before boys and will appear to mature more quickly at first. After this, boys catch up. By the age of 17, most boys and girls will be young men and women who may be bigger than their parents and are capable of having children themselves. But they will still need support from adults.

 
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