Relationships can be Good or Bad

For many individuals, the desire to connect with others in a meaningful, enjoyable or beneficial relationship is a natural basic drive, but for various reasons many find it elusive. While opportunities for making relationships generally surround us (unless we are in complete isolation), many people find it very difficult to take steps towards establishing a relationship, or even in expressing interest in establishing one. This is not always due to shyness, though that can be a major obstacle. We may be hampered by low self- esteem, which leads us to think that no-one is interested in us or that we don’t have what it takes to interest and create relationships with others. We may have experienced previous hurts or rejections, or been raised in an uncaring or hostile environment which can make us fearful of rejection or fearful of anticipated hurt. In each of these cases, understanding the process of establishing a relationship can be helpful.

There are two main aspects to establishing a relationship:

• One is taking the steps to initiate a relationship, the first steps towards a relationship.
• The other is what we do to create interest in a relationship to keep that initial contact or those first steps going. 

When we enter or begin a relationship, we often bring to it our old patterns of perception, relating and communication, and these can affect the way that we begin and develop a new relationship and the nature of that relationship. 

Communication patterns are modes of communication that are used frequently in certain situations or with certain people. Some patterns may be prevalent, that is, appearing in most communications regardless of the situation, while many are situation-specific, that is, used with certain people (friends, spouse, children, boss) or in certain situations (at work, in conflict, in fear). 

Negative Patterns of Communication

Communication patterns (roadblocks) can include all of the following and much more:

Most of our communication patterns are learned. They may be learned by modelling our behaviour on the behaviour of significant persons in our lives. For instance, a person might use sarcasm in most conflict situations having learnt to unconsciously from a teacher who controlled unruly or hostile students with sarcasm. Another person might have learned from her father to use peace-making communications in disagreements, reflecting her father’s attempts to avoid unpleasant conflict. 

Further dysfunctional ways of relating typically learnt by children include:

Because the learning is often unconscious, we are often not aware of the ‘teachers’ in our lives until we begin analysing our patterns and recognising them in people who influenced us.

Some patterns develop out of situations, especially if those situations were traumatic or life-changing. A judgemental, critical man might come out of a near-death situation with new tolerance for others, and communicate more appreciation. A previously outgoing, tolerant and positive woman might become more negative, suspicious and self-concealing after being physically attacked.

Effective Communication

There are two aspects to effective communication. Effective communication is communication that achieves the desired results (has the intended effect) or a reasonable alternative. Even if the speaker does not achieve their overall goal, they have communicated effectively when their message is understood as it was intended. When both sender and receiver interpret the message to mean the same thing, they have achieved effective communication, even if they disagree about the subject matter (content of the communication). When sender and receiver interpret the message differently, the communication is ineffective.

To communicate effectively, you need to know where communication breakdown can occur, and communicate in a way that reduces or eliminates potential misunderstanding. Communication problems occur in two main areas:

Both of these processes are always influenced by our feelings, thoughts and perceptions, so these are the factors that we must be especially careful to consider. Interaction is really a chain of events that can easily become distorted. Learning how to ‘straight talk’ (through becoming self-aware, open and honest) can easily help create communication bridges and reduce destructive or negative communication patterns.

Abuse and Violence in Relationships

In some relationships, abuse and violence can become common, a destructive method of communication.  This can be very hard for the counsellor to work with.  The victim may find that they need additional help, perhaps moving away from the violent party to a refuge or elsewhere. This is an important issue, so we will briefly consider it here.

“Domestic violence is any threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between adults who are or have been in a relationship, or between family members. It can affect anybody, regardless of their gender or sexuality.

The violence can be psychological, physical, sexual or emotional. It can include honour based violence, female genital mutilation, and forced marriage.” (UK Home Office)

When working with couples, the counsellor must be aware of the impact of physical violence on the relationship. But abuse does not have to be physical.

When relationships deteriorate to the point of being abusive; it can be next to impossible for them to be repaired without the intervention of a third party. Often intervention at this point may be too late to save the relationship but it may be able to save the individuals from the relationship.

If the signs are known, acknowledged; and intervention happens earlier though; a good counsellor mat be able to save more than just the people.  

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