Why Some People Cope with Life’s Problems better than Others

Life is never perfect, but some people seem to always cope better than others. Why?

We all have problems, but some people rise above their problems while others just spiral out of control. Why is this so?

Research over recent decades has been helping us to understand these things more than ever before. With greater understanding comes an increased ability to help yourself and help others.

Issues such as dealing with depression, anxiety, grief, communication breakdown or even addictions; all have the potential to derail a happy, or at least content life. Learning to understand human psychology and behaviours are the key to improving such bad situations. This is why people study psychology, and how that understanding is increasingly being applied to improve everything from work productivity to personal happiness.  

Changing Our Negative Behaviours

Many of us find it hard to believe that we can change our bad habits and self-destructive behaviours (SDBs).

There is so much out there to tempt us – food, alcohol, new clothes, cars, books, holidays. All of those things are psychologically and physically closer than they have been in the past.  We can go into a shop and buy something, but we can also order things on our phone any time of the day or night.

Habits

We all have habits. A habit is a regular practice that is hard to give up.

Habits are an example of super-learning.  A habit is a behaviour that we do not have to think much about, such as –

• Brushing our teeth when we get up.
• Having a shower every day.
• Catching the bus to work.

They are actions that we do not have to think much about. 

Habits can be good, such as –

• Doing exercise as soon as we get up every morning.
• Drinking water throughout the day.

But they can also be negative –

• Rushing for the biscuit jar as soon as we get home from work.
• Getting a takeaway after work a few nights a week because we are too tired to cook something.

SDBs

Linked to habits are the idea of self-destructive behaviours.  Self-destructive behaviours are behaviours that are potentially harmful or actually harmful to the person. Such as, having that takeaway a few times a week is not good for our health and wellbeing. Other examples might be –

• Eating too many cakes and sweets.
• Smoking
• Drinking too much alcohol.
• Taking drugs
• Driving the car rather than walking a short distance.

These SDBs can be harmful to our physical and mental health.

Temptation

We are bombarded with temptation.  If we go into a store, we can buy chocolates, sweets, alcohol, pizza, any food we want (as long as we can afford it). But it is not just that simple anymore. We are physically and psychologically closer to temptation.  We do not have to go to a shop to be tempted anymore. We can also order food and other temptations online and have them delivered to our door.

So even if we do not have something tempting in the house, we can still order it.

Temptation items do not just relate to food, they can also be other items, such as clothes, bags, cars etc.

Dr Matthew Might states that there are three zones of control.

The zone of safety where we do not give into temptation.

The zone of self-control- This zone sounds as though we are safe, but we are not.  Here we are using up will-energy to try to prevent ourselves from giving into temptation.  Willpower is our ability to fight against a specific urge in a certain moment. For example, not having that glass of wine.  Will energy is the energy we use to have resistance to temptation over time.  To have willpower is to keep using up our will energy. The more we try to resist, the more will energy we are using up, until we enter the Zone of Akrasia. Akrasia is a Greek term, simply meaning that our self-control simply goes. In the Zone of Akrasia we give into temptation and act against our better judgement.

Dr Philip Jean-Richard-Dit-Bressel argues that some people simply fail to see the link between their behaviour and the negative consequence because their cognitive reasoning is flawed. They see the event in a logical but not factual way.

Belief

So how do we change our SDBs and negative habits?

SDBs and negative habits are changed in the same way as positive habits and positive behaviours. It is how we interpret the habit that determines whether we view it as good or bad.   Not getting enough sleep can be due to bad sleep hygiene, and some people may view that as a negative habit. But for others, having less sleep means that they are more productive or start working early. So a habit of sleeping less could be considered a good, or a bad, habit, depending on how the person views it.

Dr Susan Hillier said that pop psychology suggests we need 21 days to change a habit, but it is not that simple. It depends on the time of the day we perform the habit behaviour, the consequences of the behaviour etc. She argues that a habit can take 18 – 254 days to develop or to change.

The main factor in changing a negative habit or behaviour is actually holding the view that our brain can change, that we can change. 

If we believe that we can change a negative habit or behaviour, we are more likely to change. So, if we believe we can stop overeating, then it is more likely we will change that behaviour, than if we think we will fail.

To change our negative behaviours, we have to believe that we can change them.